


Flotsam and Jetsam

by Lady_Branwyn



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Drabble, F/M, Ficlet, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Parody, Silly, Surprise Ending, Villains
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 11:00:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 2,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19440094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Branwyn/pseuds/Lady_Branwyn
Summary: An assortment of short fics.  Mostly fluff and silliness plus a few serious ones about characters I rarely write.





	1. Beggars' Night (Pippin, Gandalf, others)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for the "Six Days of Spooky" challenge. Alternate universe.  
> Beggars' Night is a holiday peculiar to parts of the U.S. Midwest and is usually celebrated on the day before Halloween.

“ _That’s_ your disguise, Gandalf?” Pippin’s muffled voice rose from the hindquarters of the horse. “You came as a wizard?” 

“I am here to keep you out of trouble, Peregrin Took. No costume is needed for that.” 

“Don’t worry about me, Gandalf! I’ve done this for years, ever since I was a lad.” 

“It isn’t you I was worried about.” 

The horse bobbed its head up and down, the string mane swinging wildly, as Merry squealed, “Look! Here are the others!” 

Two figures, one tall and one short, strode down the lane. Legolas’ face peered out from among hundreds of silk leaves embroidered with silver sequins. He wore a robe made of tree bark, and his arms stuck out stiffly from his sides. 

“You’re a tree!” Pippin shouted. 

“Haroooomm, barrooommmm…” the elf started to bellow. 

“No, you’re an ent!” Merry cried. “That’s wonderful, but promise us you won’t talk like that all night because I don't think Pip and I could stand it. And look at Gimli!” 

A stubby dragon, dressed in an odd mixture of scale armor and velveteen, bowed. “And not just any dragon! I am the mighty Green Dragon!” He took a swig from a bottle, then striking a spark on his armor, he blew out a stream of fire. 

The hobbits jumped, shrieking with laughter, as Gandalf shouted, “Do not do that again, or I will turn you into a toadstool and leave you for the squirrels to eat!” 

“Why do you not have a costume, Gandalf?” Legolas asked. 

Ignoring the question, the wizard looked around. “Where are Faramir and Eowyn?” 

“I thought they were right behind us,” Gimli said with a frown. “Perhaps they took a wrong turn in the dark.” They were about to form a search party when two tall figures stumbled down the lane. 

A strangely shapely ranger pushed back his hood. “We lost our way,” Eowyn said, gasping for breath. The mustache that she had drawn on with charcoal was smeared all over her face. 

Faramir straightened his blond wig. He wore a coat of mail and carried a round, green shield painted with a white horse. His face, too, was smudged with black marks. “These hedgerows all look much the same.” 

“You came as each other!” Pippin laughed; then he frowned and asked, “You fit in each other’s armor?” 

“Never mind, Pip. Let’s get going.” Merry handed empty pillowcases to the members of the party. “Now we go to all the farms hereabout, and we ask the folk for sweets. That’s why it’s called beggars’ night.” 

“But the Shire is a prosperous land. There are no beggars here.” 

“It’s just a name, Faramir.” 

The horse's backside bounced up and down. “They give us taffy and cookies and cakes. And at some farms, they serve us ale.” 

“But first, we must wait for Gandalf to don his disguise,” Eowyn said, smiling brightly. 

“I am going as a wizard, and if anyone else asks about my lack of a costume, I will go as a greatly annoyed wizard.” 

“Not much of a disguise,” one of the hobbits muttered as they stumbled down the lane to the nearest farm.


	2. Eating for Two (surprise ending)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre-War of the Ring  
> Written for the "Teatime" challenge at the Tolkien_weekly LiveJournal community

“Ooh, I want one of those.” A shadowy finger pointed to a raspberry tart. 

He didn’t like raspberries, didn’t like them at all, but ever obedient, the Man took a bite. 

“How does it taste? That used to be my favorite.” The disembodied voice echoed in his head. 

“Uhm, mmm,” the Man replied through the crumbs. If only, just once, the Lord would point to the cream puffs instead. 

“Now I want some tea. Remember, exactly two lumps of sugar.” 

The Man sighed to himself as he poured. _The Mouth of Sauron._ Little had he realized exactly what that entailed.


	3. In the Van (Boromir, Gandalf, others)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Modern alternate universe

"Boromir, are you sure this is the way to the Black Gate?" 

"Look, there's one of those little symbols for enemy fortress right there, past the crossroads." 

"I think that's the symbol for a campground." 

"'Tis an enemy fortress. I can read a map; I am highly trained in orienteering." 

"Then why did it take you 120 days to get to Rivendell?" 

"It is wrong to speak ill of the dead, Gandalf." 

"Well, technically, I am dead too, so I am allowed. Here, Aragorn, you're the ranger, you read the map. And you two in back, stop bickering or I will turn you both into garden gnomes!" 

"But Emeril is on, and all Gimli wants to watch is World Wrestling Federation Smackdown." 

"One more word and I turn off the TV." 

"WWF is on?" 

"When we stop for gas, Boromir can sit in back with the dwarf. Legolas gets the front seat. Everyone happy? Good. I won't have to do anything drastic."


	4. Have Sword, Will Travel (Thorongil, Thengel)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre-War of the Ring  
> Written for the birthday of Just_Ann_Now who requested a tale about Thorongil in Rohan.

“Your name?” Thengel asked, stifling a yawn. These hungry hire-swords were drawn to Edoras like flies to a manure heap. 

“Thorongil, Sire.” 

“Who is your lord, and why have you left his service?” 

“I travel on errantry, Sire.” 

_Or was sent away in dishonor. Why does he not name his lord?_ Thengel pointed to the huge scabbard slung across the stranger’s back. “Why do you carry a second sword? It must hinder you greatly during battle.” 

“’Tis an ancient heirloom. I carry it for… good luck.” 

Thengel cleared his throat. “Marshal Todric will send word if we need you. Next!”


	5. An Unexpected Party (Thorin Oakenshield)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pre-War of the Ring  
> Written for the "Grumpily" challenge at the Tolkien_weekly LiveJournal community. With apologies to Tolkien.

The eldest dwarf bowed to Thorin. “Doc son of Dorc, at your service. And these are my companions.” 

A dwarf rubbed his sleepy eyes. Another blushed and looked down bashfully. 

“I love adventures!” one cried with a happy smile, while his neighbor mumbled grumpily, “We will come to a bad end." 

The beardless youngling gave Thorin a dopey stare. Beside him, a dwarf buried his face in a handkerchief and sneezed. 

“I am honored by your interest in this venture.” Thorin bowed to his visitors. “But I have already chosen the party.” _Very funny, Gandalf. I will throttle that wizard._


	6. They Also Serve Who Only Wait (surprise ending)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre-War of the Ring  
> Written for the "Diligence" challenge at the Tolkien_weekly LiveJournal community

Long ago, she had learned that this was her lot—to wait in this safe haven until the menfolk came. 

Fair or not, this was her fate, as the hours and days spun a lengthening thread, yet she was not idle as she waited. She bowed her dark head over her work, and her weaving slowly grew, inch by gleaming inch, the silken threads cunningly twined where the simplest pattern would have served. 

Then suddenly, her waiting ended with the sound of shouting and booted feet. “Yer supper for Her Ladyship, you filthy tark!” 

At last, the menfolk had come.


	7. Lord of Gifts (Sauron, future wraith)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre-War of the Ring  
> Written for the "Craftily" challenge at the Tolkien_weekly LiveJournal community

“You were right, my lord. Hidden by the ring, I surprised them at their treachery, my friends and dearest kinsmen. Yet how was I so blind until now?" 

“Love leaves us prey to all manner of deceit. Glad am I to help a friend, but now the ring must be returned.” 

“I am loathe to surrender this fair and useful thing. It is most craftily made.” 

“Then keep it as a gift, in token of our undying friendship.” 

“You honor me, Lord Sauron.” 

“And for the traitors—“ 

“My lord?” 

“It is time we restored the ancient form of worship.”


	8. Hearts Entwined (Treebeard, Original Character)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post-War of the Ring  
> Written for the "Marriage" challenge at the Tolkien_weekly LiveJournal community

The guests had traveled from great distances, and the singing and drinking would last for weeks to come. Yet the wedding itself was quite simple. 

Lithe as green willow, the bride raised a stone jar and filled a shallow bowl; then, bowing, she offered the drink to the groom. At the touch of her slender hands, he nearly dropped the bowl to the ground. His friends cheered as he drank deeply; then he poured for her. She watched him over the rim as she drank. 

“Field and forest, apple and rowan. Let these two hearts entwine, never to grow apart.”


	9. Terra Incognita (J.R.R.Tolkien, Original Character)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for the birthday of Aliana, who wished for drabbles about discovery.  
> Real person fic about Tolkien during World War 1.

Rain clattered on the dugout roof and ran in muddy rivulets down the walls. The smell of coffee and woolen socks rose from the small stove. 

“The lieutenant? He’s not a bad sort, as officers go. But when I first saw those books of his, I thought they were written in German — that gave me a turn, it did! The lieutenant says it’s some old kind of English. 

“Then he’s always drawing maps, so finally I get up the nerve to ask. ‘Sir,’ says I, 'is that the eastern front?' He just gives me the oddest smile and says, ‘Yes.’”


	10. Twilight (Thuringwethil, Bella Swan)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOTR/Twilight crossover. Written for the Tolkien_weekly "Twilight" Challenge. The dialogue is a quote from the Twilight saga which belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

From her hiding place, Thuringwethil watched as the maiden stamped about the field. She was clad in strange raiment of wild hue, and the gown barely hid her privates. The vampire swallowed hungrily at the sight of her bare throat.

Raising her heart-shaped face to the heavens, the maiden wailed, “What kind of world is this? Where’s the justice?" Her voice rent the air like the whine of a whetstone. "Am I the only one who has to get old? I get older every stinking day!”

Stretching her wings, Thuringwethil stifled a laugh. She could easily take care of that.


	11. One Son, Two Son (Boromir, Faramir)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the style of Dr. Seuss's "One Fish, Two Fish"

Young son, old son,  
Wise son, bold son,  
Mild son, mad son,  
Live son, dad's son

This one was the second-born,  
This one had a hunting horn,  
But both were sadly battleworn.

Yes, one was young, and one was old,  
One was wise, and one was bold,  
One was sad, and one was mad   
And also very, very bad.

Why was he bold and mad and bad?   
I do not know. Go ask his dad.


	12. Spear Carriers of Mordor: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were rebels without a cause, two orcs without a clue. They were just foot soldiers in the Army of Darkness, trying to outrun the forces of natural selection.

"Hey, Argh and Nargh! Get your carcasses over here." The sergeant stared at them balefully. "Go to the road and keep a lookout for the horseboys. If you see them, hotfoot it back here. You understand?" The non-com unfolded a badly creased map and jabbed at it with his finger. "We are here; there is the road. Go due west. Just remember that that's the place where the sun sets."

"Yes, sergeant."

"It's a straight shot. There is no way that even you two can't manage to find your way back here."

"No, sergeant," Nargh replied while Argh, his brow furrowed in thought, tried to figure out the double negative.

As the two soldiers trudged away, the sergeant shook his head.

***************************

"I don't see this mountain on the map." Argh squinted doubtfully at the barren cliff face towering above them. He pulled an eel out of his wet boots and wrung out the hem of his chainmail shirt. With a sigh, the eel wiggled and flopped back into the stagnant water that lapped at the foot of the cliff. In the center of the pool, a soft splash broke the surface and echoed in a circle of ripples.

"Let me see that," Nargh muttered. "I knew we shouldn't have asked those Uruks for directions." As the orcs hunched over the map, a giant octopus started swimming purposefully toward them. When it was within a hundred feet of the shore, the monster craned its wobbly neck to stare at its prey. With a snort of disgust, it sank into the inky water and slunk away.

On the face of the cliff, the outline of a door was sketched in shimmering, silver lines. "Nice picture," Argh remarked.

"I see tasty, crunchy eels, my precious, but we cannot stop to fish. Not now, no, no, no. We must find the Precious. Nasty mineses of Moria, but we must go in, we must." A strange creature shambled past the two orcs and stood in front of the door. Running a hand through its spaghetti-like hair, it whispered, " _Cantelope._ No, no, that's not it, silly precious. _Honeydew?_ No, wrong again…"

"So the category is things that are round. The moon?"

"Very small rocks?"

"Quiet, stupid orcses! We are thinking, thinking!" After mumbling to itself for several long minutes, the creature's huge hard-boiled eyes looked up. "Is it _melon,_ my precious?" With a loud snap, the silver lines on the cliff darkened into black cracks, and the door slid open. "Yes, we guesses right!" After gavotting with mad joy, it scuttled into the black opening.

"C'mon!" The two orcs hurried inside, remembering to close the door behind them. The massive blocks of stone slid into place with a decisive thud.


	13. Spear Carriers of Mordor:  Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were rebels without a cause, two orcs without a clue. They were just foot soldiers in the Army of Darkness, trying to outrun the forces of natural selection. Part 2 written by Lord Branwyn.

Our intrepid heroes, having survived the disaster at Pelennor fields, returned in triumph to the safety of the orc camp on the Plains of Morgai.

"You two? This disaster is now complete. Ten thousand of our fellows go under the knife and you two slugs come back unscratched. What did you do to survive? Get lost on the way to the battlefield?"

In a quiet voice, the one orc whispered, "How did he know?"

But, the Uruk sergeant was still shouting and did not hear. "Well, I know what to do with you. Right in the middle of the column, where I can keep my eyes on you. We're moving out."

And, with that, the column set off, the large Uruk always hovering nearby. The orcs kept to a steady trot which quickly ate up the miles. Finally, where the road cut through a ridge, they halted.

Someone had spotted a couple of smallish orcs loitering in the road. The Uruk sergeant moved up to gather them up. Argh and Nargh saw him shouting at the small orcs and hustling them into the column.

"No, not at the rear!" their sergeant shouted at the small orcs. "Three files up. And stay there, or you'll know it, when I come down the line!" Then coming over to our heroes, he added, "I'm keeping all my problems together, so I can keep my eyes on you."

Again the column moved out. They kept in the same dog trot as before. The Uruk came behind our heroes and the small orcs to push them all along.

They kept moving until the road they were on merged with another. The column halted in confusion as different bands tried to use the same road. Orcs milled about and our heroes stumbled off to take a well-earned break.

Argh tumbled over the small orcs who had fallen to the ground. He helped them to their feet and dusted them off.

"Your helm's about to fall off," Nargh told one of them. "Let me fix the straps. There, that's better. You don't want to go running around without your helm. That's what the sergeant tells us."

Argh spotted something in the dirt. "Did either of you drop this?" He pointed to a shiny ring on a chain.

One of the small orcs snatched up the chain from the ground. Without another word, they crawled to the edge of the road and over the parapet into the darkness beyond.

Our heroes stared after the small orcs. Argh turned to his companion, "Nargh, should we tell the sergeant"

"Naw Argh, let them go. They were all done in. Besides, what harm could those blighters do?"


End file.
